So couple days ago my MENTAL HEALTH was questioned by a person who thinks she knows me… our kids attend the same school and we were connected on FB. That would be it.
Plus this was said behind my back… To our mutual friend. Like, whatever yes?
But still for some reason it really got me into the shaky mode. For many reasons… I might talk about it in an upcoming live stream, but for now I have to tell ya – my confidence went down the drain.
I post a lot of provocative stuff, that is available PUBLICLY on the internet, signed by me, many times with the picture of my face attached to it.
It really is my ART. and it is not for basic ppl. However I don’t restrict the access to it, cause it comes through me and it must be shared with no reservation.
My words are quick, sharp and cut like a sword, and believe me the sword comes right out of my throat, so I am always the first one to FEEL THE PAIN.
In simple words – this often aggressive, arrogant, hard-hitting TRUTH is coming through ME – aka. My body, I am the first one to be touched or rather cut by it. I Never put it out there from an ‘expert’ position. I don’t preach, I live this shit. My posts are a product of emotional labor, it just MUST come out and be offered to the public…
Sometimes ppl think I made this shit up. That my writing is MENTAL, calculated for a certain result, edited, prepared in advance… whatever. It is not… most of the time it simply comes out, right there on FB and it doesn’t make sense to me at all, but I trust and know that there are ppl who must read it at this moment, or more precisely, who must experience the energy, to transform their situation at this moment aka NOW.
THAT IS MY JOB. Not always ‘easy’…
So I remember reading an article about an actress who played a villain in some sort of a sitcom production… and remember her telling stories how ppl on the street would approach her and YELL AT HER, HOW BAD SHE WAS, HOW BITCHY AND ALL – and treat her like she WAS the character she played…. CRAZY?
I mean. This is what is happening to me often.
Ppl mistaken me for my art, but at the same time I really think I am my ART, so I don’t blame them 😉
But still, talking behind my back and questioning my mental health, instead of calling me directly and asking for clarification… it hurts (my ego, but still we all have it… we are humans after all).
But really – after couple days of internal turmoil, I REMINDED MYSELF THE TRUTH ABOUT CONFIDENCE.
Mainly the part that
I AM NOT confident at all, which is a very good thing!!!! (stay with me;)
I AM NOT CONFIDENT because I don’t build my confidence on the shaky foundation of external factors such as:
likes, loves, shares of my work
and so on….
these can be nice (or not nice) but if you ever use them as anything more than a bonus to your UNFUCKWITHABILITY, you’ll get your ass kicked big time, multiple times… until you understand where real confidence comes from. So here you go:
I DON’T DO CONFIDENCE but
I AM CONFIDENT IN THE GOD IN ME
…that’s all. And that’s everything.
When you understand that you indeed are God, and stand firmly in this truth, nothing can really touch you. It’s only between YOU and GOD from now on. Your only job is to cultivate this truth, to DECIDE every day that you are going to say, create what MUST be said and created with all the consequences and risks involved. You must have courage to be disliked. You must be brave enough to be ridiculed. Because this is where your BLISS and your GO(L)D is, baby.
But what if you choose otherwise? What if you give into this ego games of hiding from your truth, from your art, from your purpose?
Well I don’t know about you, but for me it manifested in all sorts of unpleasant ways like for example:
and even suicidal thoughts…
so believe me. A person concerned with me being normal or not, is actually a compliment, given that I went through mental illness myself, and I KNOW that I am totally fine, better than ever actually… and thank you PERSON for reminding me how far I’ve gone and how much I am willing to push through my own resistance, how much I am willing to NOT conform to the expectations of the society, how much I am DOING me, every day more and more… and all the good things, miraculous things that are coming my way because of it on a daily basis…
the best one of all of them?
The feeling of PEACE within myself
MY WAY IZZZZ THE HIGHWAY
and every day deciding to ride it.